A Lost and Ailing Heart
by Sumeragi Sui
Summary: Subaru has been in love with Seishirou for so many years... so after he's gone, what if someone comes and makes him forget about his past love? [FxS, SxS, a little FxK] UPDATED!
1. Prelude: Meaningless

**A Lost and Ailing Heart**

"Sumeragi Sui"

Disclaimer: I don't own Subaru, Seishirou, and X. They're owned by CLAMP.

Misc. Notes: I was rereading X/11 and I got the inspiration for this one. It was good, because I've been dying for inspiration for a while. sweatdrop I'm not sure how to describe it... it's more of a compilation of Subaru-kun's thoughts. Also, some inspiration from the Subaru drama character file thing.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Are you still looking for Sakurazukamori?_

Grandmother.

_...Just take care of yourself, please._

Your life has meaning, too...

_Does it?_

I had become a different person after Hokuto's death. I had lost something inside of me, and that hole was were Hokuto used to be. And instead, because of the emptiness, I filled that cavity with something else. With a whole different person.

I lost my selflessness, my innocence, my naivete. My bright wardrobe and my polite, shy and quiet demeanor. I started wearing all black. I even cut my hair.

I had lost the emotion some call sorrow, sadness...

I had become someone else. But at the same time, I was still me.

_He_ changed me.

I saw him again, the person I was looking for. The Sakurazukamori. _Sakurazuka Seishirou._ The person I vowed to kill, to avenge my sister's death...

I tried to forget him. I tried to empty out the spot where _he_ was in my heart. But Seishirou wasn't dead like Hokuto. I found it wasn't as easy. In fact... it was impossible.

I tried everything. I didn't want to remember him. I didn't want to remember all the pain he had caused me, the hurt, the heartbreak. Any of it.

But I did.

I started smoking. I started building up my powers. I had thrown away my dreams of becoming a caretaker in a zoo. I just wanted to defeat him. _Seishirou-san_...

I saw him again.

And... he hadn't changed a bit. The smile, the personality, the attitude. The only small thing that differed was the fact that he was no longer wearing his veterinarian coat ... well, of course, as he wasn't even a real veterinarian like he'd told me...

I hadn't made any difference in his life.

I was just another object.

After all, he had told me so. He'd said that breaking my arm... it was no different from breaking a glass.

"Subaru-kun." He had smiled at me, the same smile he had nine years before.

Nothing. Nothing I could do would make him change. I was nothing to him.

He said he'd kill me. He almost succeeded. I hadn't fought back. But why? Why didn't he kill me? It was the perfect opportunity, and he didn't take it. Was it because... I wasn't worth killing? That he saw me as even less meaningful than an object, than those corpses he'd murdered for his sakura tree?

Nothing.

_Only a lost and ailing heart... could dwell on just one person..._

...Seishirou-san... 


	2. Overture: Nothing

Disclaimer: Subaru, Seishirou, X All owned by CLAMP, not me.

Misc. Notes: More of Subaru's thoughts. I think that's basically what the whole thing is going to be. It might seem pointless, but it'll be like this up until the point of post-Sei... basically, feelings of becoming the Sakurazukamori. Hehe, that'll be soon, I just need to get some other stuff off my mind so I can continue. Enjoy.

- - - - - - - - - -

_But I can only think of one person. Every day._

Nothing. Nothing else. Everything... is for him. To beat him. No... to fulfill my wish.

_Tell me... Is it a blessing or a curse, to think of nothing but the man you love... to be so consumed, eternally, that everything else falls away? A blessing or a curse..._

Everyone has at least one wish, something they're living to fulfill. I have a couple... one. One was recently granted. By Kamui... of the Chi no Ryuu. But the other... lives unfulfilled. My... true Wish.

_"Why... why do you look like Seishirou?"_

"Isn't that your **wish**, isn't it...? To see... Seishirou again?"

The sight in my right eye... is gone.

Yes... one of my wishes was to lose my right eye... as... Seishirou had done for _me_. To be like him... but... my true Wish...

Kamui... of the Ten no Ryuu. A few months ago, he saw... his childhood friend, Monou Kotori, killed by her brother, his best friend. He went Within... inside his soul... just as I had. Just like that time, nine years ago... when I discovered... the truth.

Everything. Anything. Nothing.

Nothing... matters anymore.

I started going to Clamp School, in the college division. I... don't actually plan on taking classes. I'm just there to... look for him.

Kamui commented on my smoking as I attempted to tutor him... he admitted it wasn't in his place to say... but that... that smoking was still bad for me. Even if it helps my powers. Even if it might help me beat him. But...

I don't know what else I can do.

What else I _can_ do. The only things I can... and will do... Looking for him. Thinking of him. Building my powers so, when I see him again...

Torturing myself with the thought of him...

Nothing. Nothing else I can do.

I don't care about the end of the Earth, the world, humanity.

Nothing. Nothing matters to me anymore.

I may be a Ten no Ryuu, but it couldn't matter less. Even if I was to cross over to the "other side", become a Chi no Ryuu, it would make no difference.

When I was sixteen... I used to care about everything. Even when I was sick...I would worry about others. People I barely knew, people who didn't care about me. Complete strangers, or close friends.

He changed me... but I didn't change him... I don't matter to him, just as nothing matters to me...

There is only one thing, one person I can think of every day.

_Seishirou-san..._


	3. O N E : Unbalanced

**A L o s t a n d A i l i n g H e a r t . u n b a l a n c e d**

Disclaimer: Nope, the lovely X and TB boys and girls! do not belong to me, but to dear CLAMP.

Warnings: _FxS and a little FxK._ crosses that part outI don't really have the space to put that in this chapter... FxS is hinted at a little in the end, but that's it.

MAYBE a little SxK, of the "I have a crush on you Subaru but you won't move on/you move on to MY..." Okay, enough of that. Oh, and **SPOILERS** from X/16 and beyond!

Notes: Wow, counting the words in my last two chapters... 544 and 541. I promise this one will be longer, because this is when it all gets interesting I hope I think I was on crack when I wrote the last two things anyway. Hope this one's better. It's come to the point where it's not just a POV fic anymore. This is a pretty long chapter compared to the other rather pathetic ones.

_edit_ Okay, halfway through I realized I wanted to put a totally freakish spin and do some spur-of-the-moment pairings and insane cruel things to Subaru-kun, so bear with me here.

- - - - - - - - - - -

My Wish.

Never. Never ever, never again, never once, never at all, can it be fulfilled. No chance, a single chance no more. It all came to an end, and afterwards, after a short discussion with Ten no Ryuu's Kamui... I fled. Left, to go somewhere, somewhere else, anywhere else, anywhere but there, but Tokyo, because there is nothing, nothing there, but sorrow. And even though I told myself I could no longer feel that feeling, that emotion... "sadness"... I can still feel... pain. A lingering pain I think I must bear with for the rest of my life, since that loss, those losses, the damage, it is permanent, never ending, and never beginning. A kind of pain that I not only feel so deeply emotionally, and so agonizingly physically, but...

Mentally.

For I am unbalanced now, my mind is not the way it used to be. I no longer think straight, and I find I can rarely commit myself to the act of consuming food. There is little pleasure or meaning in sleeping, but there is just as little in staying awake. Most of the time spent in "reality" is spent on pondering the meaning of said activities (sleeping and staying awake).

Living.

Is there really any point, any value, any worth, in just living, day by day, a wasted existence? So often I tell myself that my new Wish shall be to die, so that the Kamui of the Chi no Ryuu can fulfill it. But something tugs at my heart and screams no, and although I fight it, it always overcomes me, forcing me to stay alive, to keep on living, existing, in this world.

Dead.

For although one of the Chi no Ryuu has... _gone_... one of the Ten no Ryuu has died also, died in his heart, and that Ryuu is me. Me... "Sumeragi Subaru", although the name no longer seems like my identity, or something that truly defines "me". But I no longer have the will, the need, to construct a kekkai anymore. There is nothing left in this cold, harsh dimension to protect. My only love... and my sister. Both... will never, shall never return to this world.

Identity.

Nothing I do anymore seems real. Nothing I "am" anymore seems real. My face, my physical appearance, the whole structure of my body. My voice, my sounds, my words, my handwriting. Sometimes I would just stare at the long, slender mirror in front of my closet that my sister left me and force my muscles to smile. It hurt, seeing such a melancholy face demand itself to look... happy.

Mirror.

Immediately after Hokuto's death, I couldn't bear to look in any mirrors, to see me, and my reflection, my mirror image, the face of not just me but my sister, my dead sister. Back then I think I could still feel sorrow, but eventually I tired of the prospect of sadness and began to wither away, and think of nothing, anything other than...

* * *

_"Subaru," Fuuma muttered softly, atop a roof looking down on the depressed figure below. The man beneath Fuuma sighed deeply, and inhaled the slight scent of the sakura tree. He walked slowly toward the tree and caressed it gently, looking downcast yet seemingly content. He was wearing all black, including his trench coat, and he had begun grown out his hair, too bothered to keep on cutting it in the aftermath of Seishirou's death._

I've reverted back to my sixteen-year-old self, except without Hokuto's outfits,_ Subaru reflected, not amused. Fuuma, however, gave a hollow laugh and swooped down, landing on the ground with a faint thud, in his hands an small yet elaborate jar._

_"Subaru-kun," he said silkily, addressing the other. There was a hint of a glare in Subaru's eyes, but Fuuma chose to overlook it and instead smiled contently. "Would you like to know... what Seishirou's wish was?" he hissed smoothly, smirking at Subaru's expression._

_"..." was the reply._

_"But, dear Seishirou-san's wish... had something pertaining to you, my dear Subaru-kun..." Fuuma continued, the twisted smile lingering on his face. With each word, he seemed to have been stroking the jar with his fingers in odd amusement._

_Subaru's eyes widened in alarm. "...If you must," he whispered finally in response, coughing slightly._

_"Seishirou's wish... was that the damage in your right eye... would be undone." Fuuma smiled, loosening his grip on the jar. "His... good eye. The left one... here," he hissed, slowly handing Subaru the jar with a grin. Before Subaru could take it from him, however, Fuuma recoiled and warned almost playfully, "But you know... if you take this... you will replace Seishirou as the Sakurazukamori... and Chi no Ryuu."_

_Subaru stared at the jar, and then at Fuuma, for several moments. The slightest hint of a sad smile played at his lips as he grabbed the jar from the other man and held it close to his heart, the wind softly blowing on him as Fuuma smirked at him and leapt up and left to grant... another Wish._

* * *

His eye. 

_My_ eye.

My _eyes_.

One is now a rich gold color; the other a brilliant emerald green. The gold right one is of a deep shade, a tint on the fine line between gold and amber. The other, my original one, my good one, my left one... it can never be as magnificent as the other.

After the operation, in which I had been unconscious for the majority of, I ran into Kamui... of the Ten no Ryuu. He seemed surprised to see me, and even more shocked to see that I had two working eyes, and one was Seishirou's old one, the magnificent gold.

"S-Subaru-san," Kamui stammered, staring at my eyes almost in panic. "Wh-what happened? You-- you have _his_ eye... Seishirou's... but how?"

I smiled at Kamui's bewilderment. "Ka-- Fuuma, do you call him? Fuuma. He told me Seishirou's wish was to have the damage in my eye undone, so he-- Fuuma-- retrieved his eye for me and promptly delivered it to me when I was visiting Seishirou's old home." I looked content, savoring the fact that I had full eyesight in both my eyes, and that one of those eyes once belonged to _him_.

Kamui still looked astonished and almost alarmed. Still stunned, he replied, "Oh, r-right... Fuuma... yes... that must be wonderful, to have his eye... I-Isn't it?"

Amused at Kamui's behavior, I nodded, beaming slightly. "Yes, it's... nice, to have something that was one Seishirou-san's..." I trailed off, looking a bit disoriented. Kamui took it as a cue that I either needed time alone or that it would just be best to run away from me and muttered a farewell and left.

"Goodbye... Kamui."

For I had not forgotten that since I took Seishirou's eye, I had become a Chi no Ryuu... which meant I was now an enemy of those who had once been my comrades. I shrugged indifferently. I had not grown to love them at all, and even though I was not quite as ruthless as the rest of the Chi no Ryuu, I would begin to learn no matter what, for the sake of Seishirou.

* * *

"So... you've taken the Sakurazukamori's place..." Kanoe mused, looking me up and down. "Not bad, but as a former Ten no Ryuu..." She smiled in an eerily polite way and motioned towards a dazed figure sitting daintily in a chair with wires connected onto his body. Looking closer I realized the figure was comatose, and frowned in concern. Abruptly, I was pulled into a dream. 

"So... you are... Sumeragi Hokuto's twin brother. The one she died for," the man muttered faintly.

The dreamscape was that of one of Hokuto's old favorite beaches. "Yes, yes I am. S-Sumeragi Subaru... and you?" I asked curiously, wondering how in the world Hokuto had become acquainted with such a character.

"I am... Kuzuki Kakyou. Kakyou..." he paused, exhaling sharply. "A yumemi... a dreamseer. Your sister, she used to visit me in my dreams, and we would go on... 'dates'." Kakyou reddened at his own statement, blushing.

I sighed in relief. I had formed crazy, maniacal ideas about how Hokuto-chan met this yumemi. Grinning slightly and in a fairly better mood than before because of Seishirou's eye, I replied, "Are _you_ the one... because she used to go off at random times and say she had dates. Was that with you? Did my sister love you?"

Kakyou looked surprised and sorrowful at my last question. "Yes, it was I who she would frequently meet. But, for the question of whether she loved me or not... I do not know. I cannot make an assumption, as she is now... gone." He sighed, and a gap of silence bridged his last words with his new. "Just like _you_ wonder if... that... _Seishirou_... if what he said before he died, was it the truth from his last, desperate moments, or folly made up on the spot to spite you for the rest of your life?" Melancholically, he smiled. "Do not dwell on that. You may now, but eventually you will move on, just as I did, and stop wondering about the truths of the dead and look into the future for the true answer."

I looked a bit astonished from what he'd said, but before I could answer, he pulled me out of his dream and back to reality. I winced, for I had fell on the floor with a low thump.

I looked around the basement. It was rather cold, and my eyes lingered on a vast machine labeled Beast. As I stared, a girl jumped down from the machine, walked toward me, and offered her hand to shake, the other hand clutching a piece of paper. "I am... Yatouji Satsuki. Sumeragi Subaru?" she said questioningly.

Shaking her hand, I nodded, a bit overwhelmed. "How do you... know my name?"

Satsuki smiled almost patronizingly to me, as if I were but a naive preadolescent asking where babies came from. "My computer... the _Beast_... confirmed that you belonged to that name. It _is_ your name, is it not?" she asked condescendingly.

"Y-yes, yes it is," I replied frantically, apprehensive of the obvious fact that I was looking very stupid, for lack of a better word.

"Well, then everything is satisfactory." She studied the report in her other hand, amused. "You are the 13th head of the Sumeragi, correct?" She didn't wait for a response and continued, "Yet the Sumeragi are the sole enemy of the Sakurazukamori. Yet by killing Sakurazuka Seishirou, and using his eye to repair your own eyesight, you are also becoming the Sakurazukamori, your own enemy." I hadn't thought of that. She smirked. "You didn't think of the sheer, blatant irony of that before, did you?"

Feeling rather idiotic, I shook my head, my face flushing crimson.

"Of course," Satsuki replied smoothly and smugly, returning to the interior of her _Beast_ and leaving me dumbfounded below. There were others gathered, scattered in chairs and various furniture. An expressionless person made his way towards me. On his forehead were diamond-shaped symbols, arranged in an odd manner.

"Nataku..." he muttered emotionlessly, offering no handshake or friendly gesture. He just seemed to stare at me, perplexed, in mild curiosity if not blatant interest. Unsure of what to do, I nodded awkwardly in return, feeling slightly uncomfortable amidst everyone else, who already seemed to be close friends, or at least well acquainted. I moved on to the next person, another man, and even larger than Chi no Ryuu's Kamui.

"Shiyuu Kusanagi." The massive figure shook my hand heartily but said no more. I looked a bit sheepish and bowed, unsure of what else to do. I began to do what I did at age sixteen; sweat a bit, blush a bit, get embarrassed a lot. It was a bit ridiculous, to say the least.

"Oh, you must be the new person! Kigai Yuuto, nice to meet you." A cheerful man appeared before me, smiling and looking pleased. He had light-colored hair and resembled the type of person who would be a weatherman or something ludicrous like that. A few sweatdrops appeared on my forehead as I introduced myself, rubbing my eyes wearily.

It had been a while since I talked, communicated with anyone other than myself and my own mirror image, and I found that it began to tire me after a while, since I was no longer accustomed to regular discourse. Feeling myself begin to collapse from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I sighed, starting to topple over. Someone caught me. My eyes refused to open, although my mind carelessly tugged at them, trying to make them expose my eyes to who had been cradling me. The feeling of being held by this person... it seemed familiar. Had he held me before? I breathed in, catching a sweet, comforting scent. Satisfied, I allowed myself to enter the man's embrace. It was alright, for I knew this had happened before...

* * *

Fuuma smiled darkly with Subaru in his arms. He had had a feeling that Subaru's wish would change, although he had no idea it would be so abrupt, so rapid. Perhaps Subaru had learned something from his sister's death, maybe he had finally acquired the ability to move on quickly from a loved one's death. Even so, he'd expected more protest from the boy. But all was well. Maybe Subaru would be of some use to him, maybe Subaru could aid him in fulfilling the Earth's Wish, the Earth's greatest desire. As the others watched him in awe and astonishment, Fuuma took the once-again-gloved hand of the boy and held it in his own hand. It was probably just his uncanny likeness to the boy's former love.

"Sweet dreams... Subaru-kun," he whispered under his breath.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Ending Notes: Yes, this is where it all gets sticky and confused and messed up, and, oh, did I mention interesting? Subaru mistaking, er, "thinking" that Fuuma is Seishirou... Ohohohohohohohohoho! How exactly is Fuuma going to use Subaru? Will Kamui be jealous of Subaru-san for getting Fuuma's affections? Has Subaru completely forgotten about Seishirou? Does Subaru have a new Wish that has something to do with Fuuma? Will I ever finish my Spanish homework at this rate? Find out the answers to all these questions except for the last one sweatdrop in the next chapter!


	4. T W O : Change

****

A LOST AND AILING HEART _ CHANGE

Warnings & Disclaimers: The usual warnings, lots of shounen-ai hints and pairings and such. Regular disclaimers apply; the X bishounen belong to CLAMP.

Notes: Yes, I finally updated… ^^;; I'm not sure how this one will turn out, but since the first two chapters were only about 550 words each and then the third was almost 3000, I decided those first two were just prologues and the last one was Part One. So I guess this is part two? I'm having Subaru call Fuuma… well, Fuuma, as opposed to Kamui, just because *shrug* It sounds better that way xD And plus, it's confusing otherwise. Enjoy, in any case.

+ + +

****

change. (chanj) _v._ **changed, chang∙ing, chang∙es. **_–tr._ **1.a.** To cause to be different: _change the spelling of a word._ **b. **To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: _changed the yard into a garden._ **2.** To give and… **3.** To exchange for or…

****

4.a. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: _change methods; change sides._

****

b. To transfer from…

+

Sumeragi Subaru awakened slightly, finding himself in the comfort of his own usually bleak apartment. It was still night, and a gloomily dismal darkness plagued the dim flicker of his surroundings. "Wh-what?" he stammered nervously, still disturbed by a faintly harsh fatigue. The last thing he could remember, he was in the cold basement of the City Hall, introducing himself to the other Angels and… he fell asleep. Somewhere… in someone's arms. Who was it? He'd reminded him so much of Seishirou-san… _Seishirou-san…_

"So, you've finally woken up, Subaru-kun," a smooth voice roused him even more. Slowly, Subaru forced his left eyelid open, revealing a brilliant emerald eyeball. He could barely recognize the man. He compelled the other eye to open. A gleaming gold eye was revealed to the world.

Or, more specifically… Fuuma. "Seishirou-san!" Subaru blurted out unexpectedly, feeling uncomfortable.

Subaru blinked. He hadn't seen Fuuma. He saw Seishirou.

He blinked again. A brief pause passed by before he blinked again. "…Oh."

He seemed to regain consciousness fully, and his eyes widened in surprise, finally catching on. "OH!" he exclaimed in astonishment. "F-Fuuma-san…" he muttered, blushing for no apparent reason. Fuuma smiled kindly at him, leaning over to gently stroke Subaru's hair, complete with newly regrown sideburns.

"F-Fuuma-san!" Subaru stuttered uneasily, sitting himself in his moderately small bed. Smirking, Fuuma whispered softly, "But isn't this… your Wish?"

Subaru blinked again, recovering. He had regressed to his naïve sixteen-year-old manner momentarily, but he didn't want that. He didn't want to be hurt again… but he wiggled uneasily. What exactly _was_ his wish? He coughed loudly to clear his throat, but he still felt the lingering carnation pink on his cheeks, which only made him blush more. He shook his head to clear it. "N-no, just that, I don't know what my Wish is right now," he paused to sneeze, and Fuuma smiled at him. "Fuuma," Subaru said more sternly, staring straight into his eyes with a forced glare, "what exactly are you trying to do?"

Cheerfully, Fuuma smiled, and in a nonchalant tone, he murmured in a low hiss, "Nothing, dear Subaru-kun… just… rest…"

Subaru frowned, but, for some reason or another, he drifted back into a slumber, tossing and turning slightly in his dreams

+

Subaru sighed, looking up at the tree. The great sakura tree in Ueno Park… he breathed calmly, whispering, "I'm sorry… sakura… you might have to stay hungry for a while. I don't think I can kill anybody for you… quite yet." He closed his eyes, feeling depressed and sorrowful. "I'm sorry… Seishirou-san…" he murmured to himself, the expression on his face pitiful. Before he could start crying again, he forced it down and swallowed, along with his tears. Instead he began pacing around the tree, staring at the ground and feeling wary.

"You've… changed," Kamui commented quietly, attempting to look stoic and apathetic but failed greatly, instead seeming intensely unsettled at Subaru's presence. He had walked silently up to the other boy after abruptly noticing him. Surprised at being addressed by Kamui, Subaru jumped in astonishment.

"K-Kamui-kun!" Subaru cried out in his shock, recovering from his startled jolt. "What—what are you doing here?" he asked quizzically, feigning polite innocence. He'd almost forgotten about the other Seals after he changed sides, and he made an effort to conceal his guilt, striving to imitate a sheepish grin. Kamui frowned slightly at Subaru's odd expression.

Catching a cherry blossom in his scarred, delicate hands, he gazed at it for a few awkward moments and then looked up at Subaru. "I'm looking at the sakura," he said quite flatly, still seeming dimly uneasy. After an extensive, purposeful pause, he murmured, "What about you, Subaru-san?" He stared at Subaru, then annunciated for effect. "What are you doing here?"

Face flushing subtly, Subaru managed to stammer a sheepish reply, "N-nothing! I'm, uh, admiring the sakura too."

"Subaru… are you still a Ten no Ryuu?" Kamui asked suddenly in a small voice with a face of concern. Subaru hesitated slowly, seeming more uncomfortable by the second.

Faltering before answering, he sighed and replied, "No, I'm not, Kamui-kun… I've changed sides now." Kamui's eyes enlarged, stunned and almost paralyzed. He tried to mumble an intelligent answer, something like "I thought so", but instead he ended up shouting, "_WHY?!_"

Subaru's forehead began to turn immersed with small sweatdrops. "It was Seishirou-san's… Wish…" he said quietly, looking at the tree with a sad smile. "If I took his eye, it meant I would have to take his place. His place… as the Sakurazukamori… and Chi no Ryuu."

Astonished, Kamui was at a loss for words. He had felt too betrayed to feel anymore, to say anymore. Subaru had brought him back to reality from the depths of his soul… and now he was simply going to switch sides and expect him to be content, fine, _happy_ with it? It didn't work that way, things _don't_ work that way. Instead he simply just flashed a momentary glare at Subaru and simply and swiftly just walked away, looking back at him for a second before leaving entirely.

Subaru sighed. He had sacrificed a friendship to join a group of people he barely knew and who already didn't like him… but he frowned. No, as long as he had fulfilled Seishirou's wish and had his eye, he was content. He didn't need… friends. In those nine years apart from Seishirou, he didn't need friends either… he didn't need anybody but Seishirou…

Didn't he?

+

"Initiation complete," the robotic voice of the Beast droned, as Yatouji Satsuki jumped down onto the freezing cement floor from her massive machine. She flashed an icy cold look at Subaru, who ignorantly gave her an uncomfortable smile in return.

"Satsuki-san… what were you doing with your computer?" Subaru asked timidly, attempting to make conversation or at least get acquainted with the other Chi no Ryuu. She stayed silent for a few instants, busying herself with an elaborate collection of wires and blatantly ignoring him. She then scowled at him, turning towards him to reply.

In a cool, breathy voice, she muttered lowly, "I was taking more tests to see what Barriers I—and we—can still destroy." She began inserting wires into various areas in a small booth on her Beast. "There are still a few left, but Kamui can take care to assign different regions to every one of us…" Smirking to herself, she asked in a rather amused voice, "Have you killed anybody for the sakura yet?"

Feebly, Subaru blushed and replied honestly, "No, I haven't…" He frowned to himself with a sort of growing self-apprehension. Suddenly he gasped, remembering something Seishirou had told him years before. Muttering, he said to himself, "Didn't Seishirou-san tell me once that if he didn't kill for the tree, he would die himself from the magical backlash of it?" He shuddered, wincing at his own stupidity. But he still couldn't kill anybody… he wasn't able to…

"Did you say something?" Satsuki asked in a bored voice.

"No," Subaru mumbled plainly, leaving her to her work and nervously attempting to approach the other Angels. He imagined what Seishirou had said to these people, how Seishirou had acted toward them… he tried to imitate Seishirou to himself. He laughed nervously. Satsuki turned to stare at him, raising a small eyebrow of seemingly curious questioning.

Giving a trivial, exasperated sigh, Subaru grimaced at the rest of the Chi no Ryuu. For some reason, they all looked important and massive, overpowering. Even the dainty ones, like Nataku and Kakyou, the Chi no Ryuu no yumemi, seemed to scare him. He instead compromised to himself to walk towards to Kakyou and speak with _him_ instead… after all, he had once knew his sister.

"Hello, Kakyou-san…" he greeted softly, sitting down next to the unconscious figure strewn among a short chair. Abruptly drawn into a dreamscape, he exhaled fiercely. The sea… again.

"Hokuto's brother…" Kakyou managed to mutter to himself in his own dream, smiling sadly at the seagulls flying above him. Subaru tried to grin contently, suppressing his worry of the sakura's revenge.

"You know," the other man said softly, "if you don't kill for the sakura tree soon, you might die."

Shocked, Subaru's head flicked in awareness. "What? Did you… foresee my death?" Kakyou shook his head gradually. Subaru breathed a strong sigh of relief, regaining his composure.

"But there's a high chance you will," Kakyou suddenly said in a flat voice. "You are now like Kamui… you have two futures. Either you can choose to kill, and live… or you can let the sakura stay hungry, and die…"

+ + +

Ending Notes: I'm very uneasy about this chapter… the first part went well, but the later parts made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know why… I have a feeling I didn't write them very well, especially since I was sort of rushing myself and not thinking straight. Forgive me for this. This was a slightly short chapter, not like I'd planned [I actually wanted to write a long one…] but it came out … okay, I guess. Please let me know if it was good or not. Thanks =)


	5. T H R E E : Blood Tainted Petals

****

A LOST AND AILING HEART / / Blood-Tainted Petals.3

Sumeragi Sui.

Warnings: Eh, bits of shounen-ai I suppose.

Disclaimers: STOP REMINDING ME THAT X DOESN'T BELONG TO ME! T_T;;

Notes: Even though I cosplayed as Subaru at RECCA Con last night, I'm actually quite depressed today, so please forgive me for a bad chapter, although bad moods and sadness makes me write angst better… lately I just feel like all my writing is a piece of crap. Okay, this is turning into a rant instead of author's notes… um, what can I say? It's just… there. I'm aiming for a longer chapter [like I always do] but I'm not quite sure how it will turn out. I want to refer to Fuuma as [the other] Kamui, but I'm afraid it'll be too confusing that way… gah… so I'm just calling him Fuuma for now.

__

yamatoforever, thank you for your review and the suggestions. I must admit my intention was not for Subaru to regain his innocence and naivete… I barely noticed that I had done it myself. Although, I apologize for portraying it that way, because I favor Tokyo Babylon Subaru [the one I cosplayed as last night] to X Subaru, who I view as not his true self, the person he was born as, but people change… *shrug* I think it was just that he was momentarily reverting to his old self when he was reminded of Seishirou-san oO; Okay, I have to stop analyzing my own stories… Anyway, I took your suggestion to thought, although I sort of elaborated on it. Thanks, though. =)

Er… please enjoy, if it's possible. x.x;

~

__

"But why, Fuuma, why?_"_

Fuuma smiled darkly, digging his nails into Kamui's chest. The question "why" was probably the most popular question addressed to him that escaped the other Kamui's lips. He really was a fun thing to play with, Fuuma reasoned. Pity that he would have to kill him sooner or later. Fuuma would obviously get bored without him.

"Simple, Kamui_… I needed someone to replace Sakurazukamori…" he replied softly, as Kamui groaned in pain._

Breathing heavily, Kamui gasped as Fuuma aimed a blast of energy at his heart, wincing in a sudden spasm. "But Subaru won't kill anyone," he managed to choke out, still struggling to respire. "He's too k-kind to…" he added defensively, attempting to raise his head high enough to flash Fuuma a slightly angered glare.

Fuuma smirked, caressing Kamui's hair gently. "Yes, in time, if this keeps up… if he doesn't kill anyone… Your friend Subaru shall die…" he said quietly, still grinning corruptly. Kamui's eyes widened briefly in surprise. "But I think I have a slight remedy for that," he hissed suddenly, striking Kamui so he fell agonizingly to the ground.

Kamui whimpered in his misery… and he blacked out before he could see his rescuers, the other Ten no Ryuu, attempting to save him.

* * *

The dream's scene changed at a glance from the sea to Kakyou's trademark; an old-fashioned Japanese house. Subaru was almost too preoccupied to notice.

"It's inevitable, you know…" Kakyou said sadly, his gold eyes penetrating through Subaru's. Subaru shuddered, and coughed slightly. Kakyou's dreams were frigidly cold. Shivering, he looked around with forced curiosity. How Hokuto-chan was able to stand this atmosphere, he'd never know… _But I suppose Kakyou's dreams had been slightly cheerier when she was around…_

"A-Are you sure I'm going to _die_?" he managed to ask, grimacing. Nodding, Kakyou shrugged in slight indifference, looking away.

In a soft, pained voice, Kakyou added faintly, "But… if you die… you will be able to see Hokuto again, won't you…" Almost jumping back in shock, Subaru's eyes narrowed into something between a roused glare and a sympathetic look.

Donning an almost pitying smile, he replied, "Don't think of it that way… I'm sure your Wish will be granted… soon…" He trailed off, seeming disoriented. He shook it off, closing his eyes momentarily and inhaling the freezing air. "Seishirou-san said I was probably too kind to kill anyone anyway…"

Forcing himself to regain his equanimity, Kakyou let himself a rather constrained smile. "It's your choice… It can only be your choice, whether you will kill or not…" he said finally, slowly allowing the dreamscape to fade away.

* * *

Subaru returned to the senseless threads of reality, back into the eerie basement of the City Hall. He imagined again what Seishirou had done in this place. Have tea with the other Dragons? Discuss assassination pointers? He allowed himself a rather hollow laugh as he pictured Seishirou discussing with Fuuma how they could torture their young companions with further emotional torment. Sighing deeply, he gradually walked to the small table in the middle of the room, where there were a few chairs, set up like a quaint tea party. Not much to his surprise, Fuuma appeared there, smiling contently at him.

"Subaru-kun," he greeted cheerfully, gesturing for him to sit down. Scowling at him, Subaru grudgingly sat down next to the other man, who, incidentally, was actually much younger than he was, and couldn't really be described as a "man" in terms of age.

Subaru snapped brusquely in reply, "_What?_" Reaching over to pour Subaru tea, Fuuma continued to smile. That smile made Subaru angry, the same smile that Seishirou bore, the one that Subaru came to hate, and to love… he resented it with every fiber of what was left with his soul, and resented Fuuma even more for assuming an uncanny likeness to Seishirou just to spite him. He managed to push Fuuma's hand away, grimacing slightly at himself.

Slowly beginning to sip his own tea, Fuuma remarked comfortably, "Now now, Subaru-kun… you shan't make yourself angry just because I'm offering you tea." Placing his cup on the table and leaning backwards in the small chair, he continued, "I'm here so we can discuss your newly acquired position as Sakurazukamori, Subaru-kun."

Following this was another glare. "What about my so-called 'position', Fuuma-sa—Fuuma?"

Still smiling that stupidly smug smile, Fuuma looked thoughtful. "You _are_ going to kill a few people for the Sakura, aren't you? And for us? After all… if you're a Chi no Ryuu… you have to act like one."

Continuing to scowl, Subaru said curtly, "Seishirou-san said I was probably too kind to kill anyone." His tone was rather final. _Too_ final, Fuuma deducted, and he smirked coldly, laughing to himself; Subaru was still naïve under all that resentment and remorse, under all those falsified masks of coldness and angst.

"If you don't kill anyone, the Sakura will kill you. And if the Sakura kills you, the Sakura kills… your beloved Seishirou-san's eye, _along_ with you." Once Fuuma had said this, Subaru swallowed painfully, trembling in the icy ambience of the room. Struggling to suppress whatever emotions he had been feeling at the time (because he thought that was part of the job description as Sakurazukamori), he coughed and attempted to ignore Fuuma, secretly beginning to worry.

* * *

__

I used to think I wanted to kill him. I used to think I wished nothing but for him to just simply love me. I used to want to live for him, die for him, and at the same time, murder him. Slice away his soul, like he did mine. My Wish changed from wanting Hokuto-chan back to wanting to kill her murderer to wanting to die to wanting to live to disappearing to just going back inside, Within, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of those things anymore. But then I thought about Hokuto-chan's sacrifice for me, and I feel even worse…

Wishes, simple wants and needs… they really are all peculiar things. The way they are like fluid, taking on a different shape depending on the situation. And the way they can simply evaporate after being exposed to too much. They really are quite interesting.

*

__

"I tried to erase you from my heart, to forget about you…" I could almost hear Seishirou laughing at me in his head, in his thoughts. I was too busy crying to notice anything, too stricken with shock and grief and tears. Had he done this on purpose, just to torment me with the utmost amount of excruciating inner pain, the simple pain of having him not be here anymore? "But… then I thought… then I wished… I wanted to be killed by you…"

To my surprise, he just simply smiled at me and struggled to look up and meet my eyes. "You truly are… a kind person…" He paused, forcing himself to raise his head up to my ear, and whispered, "And I…"

* * *

Subaru woke with a start, breathing strenuously. He had fallen asleep again, and he wondered if the Sakura had caused his frequent bouts of sudden, unreasonable fatigue. Remembering that this had happened once before, and he had found himself by Fuuma's side, he reddened almost unnoticeably. Looking up, he felt a hand brush off his hair. He groaned; it was, of course, Fuuma. And he was smiling at him again with a rather satisfied expression on his face.

"Subaru-kun, you can't escape your destiny. But if you're willing to allow yourself and _his_ eye to die…" he trailed off, stroking Subaru's hair like he did Kamui. "Now, what do you think caused you to fall asleep so suddenly, Subaru-kun?"

Attempting to lift his head but found himself too exhausted, he mumbled faintly with his head uncomfortably placed on the table, "I don't know." He shivered, rubbing his arms in a stubborn effort to warm himself and stay awake. He cringed; he found himself rather hungry after taking that brief nap, but he had no idea where the food was located in this place.

Fuuma smiled and asked cheerfully, "Are you hungry, Subaru-kun?" Doggedly, Subaru shook his head. "…Suit yourself," he muttered in what seemed to be a hiss, standing up and walking swiftly to a compact refrigerator and a pantry Subaru hadn't noticed before. Immediately Subaru regretted declining Fuuma for food. His stomach growled viciously at him. Smirking, Fuuma opened the door and simply retrieved a single can of soda. He opened it, the can fizzing momentarily, and took a large drink of it, walking back to the small table.

"You wouldn't want a sip, would you, Subaru-kun?" Fuuma asked in a polite yet sarcastic voice, taking another swig. Glaring at Fuuma, Subaru obstinately stomped over to the pantry. His face fell, somewhat disappointed. There was nothing there but one last box of half-full strawberry Pocky. He sighed and grabbed it, stuffing a whole piece into his mouth, swallowing tenaciously before Fuuma could comment in an amused voice that the package was already two weeks overdue the "Fresh Until" date.

Sputtering madly, although it was quite useless because he had already very much swallowed it, Subaru choked slightly and flinched. He muttered an expletive to himself as Fuuma laughed and offered him the soda. Resentfully, Subaru sipped it warily, stomach feeling worse.

"So, Subaru-kun, would you like to hear what I have to say or not…?"

* * *

"So apparently Subaru-san is now the Sakurazukamori and one of the Seven Angels?" Nekoi Yuzuriha asked, looking sad. Kamui nodded, seeming hurt at Subaru's betrayal. Arisugawa Sorata frowned, appearing almost disturbed at this sudden turn of events.

"Did Hinoto-hime foresee this…?" he wondered out loud, looking concerned and glancing at Kishu Arashi. She shook her head gloomily, biting her lip.

Kasumi Karen, along with being bothered by it, also was confused. "But why would he do this… surely just taking Sakurazuka's eye doesn't mean he becomes a Chi no Ryuu…?" Pondering, Aoki Seiichiro closed his eyes in thought. "We don't know, and we might not be able to find out," he replied morosely, eyes still shut.

"Why would Subaru-san betray us?!" Yuzuriha shrieked suddenly, appearing as if on the verge of tears. The other Seals gave a start of surprise at her sudden outburst.

"Yuzuriha-chan… even if he has… we can't do anything about it…" Kamui muttered quietly, staring elsewhere, seeming to be focusing on a random black smear on the wall and watching it be devoured by the surrounding white of the remainder of the wall. He felt as if he would be a bit lonely without Subaru—at first he didn't even believe it, at first he refused to believe that Subaru would be disloyal to them, to _him_, break off any leftover trust he still held for the older man. There was nobody else who could understand him as Subaru did, who had gone through the same hurt, the same pain. Nobody else who had also gone Within before, nobody else he could relate to.

Much to his own surprise, he smiled.

After all, it was going to be a lot more interesting this way.

~

Ending Notes: Yeah, it was an utter piece of crap. I started out with a semi-okay idea and in the middle I just lost it and put some twisted hints of humor. And it wasn't even long. -.- Gah. My own writing is pissing me off. If you want, flame me. _Sui._


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